I want you more than these girls want KFC
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
