My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
