So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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