I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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