The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
