Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize