I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
