I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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