I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
