My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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