so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
