This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
