So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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