Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
