I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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