He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
