listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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