Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
