I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
