So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
