If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
