Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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