Pants 0. Shit 1.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
