At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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