when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
