The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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