and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
