i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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