I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize