I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
