I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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