He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize