Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
