Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
