I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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