What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
