still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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