you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize