Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
