Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
