Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
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I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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