found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
