Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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