I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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