I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
