i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
