oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
