i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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