whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
