My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
