i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
