Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
