im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
