I bet he comes in French.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
