Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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