waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
