So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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