I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
