Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
