my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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