why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
