You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
