I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
