I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
