I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
