as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
