Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
