Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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