My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
