Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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