He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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