Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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