I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
