dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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