Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
