if i can run in heels then i can drive
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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