Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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