i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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