thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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