that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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