Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
